Now I know better. Now I know that people who say "Everything happens for a reason" might not believe in this phrase themselves either. Yet, the pain of reality is so great that they have to think of something, anything, to make sense of it all. Maybe if you realized that a greater power (God, destiny, etc etc) is paving the path of your life, it might not hurt as bad to face the future.
I am one of those people who use that phrase now.
Nathan and I are on a break indefinitely.
He initiated it, but at the end, it was a mutual decision.
He was my best friend, confidant, lover, and above all, my safe haven. He was always there to comfort and encourage me through every hurdle life threw in my direction. I was lucky enough to have him in my life for more than 7 years and made some amazing memories together. I will always cherish them no matter what.
However, as we get older and embark on different journeys in life, our personalities as well as goals changed. The differences that used to make us have fun little banter have progressed to something that's irreconcilable. We no longer have school, same group of friends, and daily activities to hold us together.
Work has taken a toll on both of our lives. Nathan's very stressed out with his research as a PhD student, since he holds himself to a very high standard, and anything less than 100% drives him bonkers. My training so far has been hard HARD work and leave me exhausted every single day. Our conversation became mundane. If you havn't noticed, we aren't very exciting people/lead exciting lives. At some point in time, we both realized that we've became more like friends as opposed to a couple. I've thought about it but didn't want to point it out.
Nathan did. I'm glad he did. The second he mentioned it it was as if a floodgate has been opened. We talked about everything that's been going on in our lives and both agreed that it'd be best to take a break. When's the end point? No one knows. At this point, I don't know anyone cares. We both just want to focus on getting through what we needed to do and address the future of us when we get to it.
Some of you might be wondering: Do you regret taking up the job in Atlanta? If you stayed in Boulder, things would've been great. I have wondered the same thing. Yet, I will say with confidence that I do not regret my decision. I have met some wonderful people during my training here in Atlanta and had so much fun. I also have learned SO much, not just about work, but life in general. Am I still socially awkward? The answer is yes, or as one of my colleagues would put it, "Is the Pope Catholic?". However, I'm LESS awkward now. That's an improvement. I am doing my best everyday to make sure that my life is becoming better.
The thing that annoys me is that when I tell people what had happened, they react with such concern as if I were going to off myself. I'm not going to lie, did I cry when we ended things? Of course. Do I still have random outbursts of tears? Definitely. Do I still subconsciously dial Nathan's number right before I go to bed? Unfortunately, yes. Will life go on? You bet your sweet ass it will. Life will not only go on, I will make it my job to enjoy every minute of it.
I don't know what's going to happen in the future between Nathan and I. All I know is, everything happens for a reason. It might be that this break happened so we can strengthen our relationship and rekindle the love, or it happened so we can find someone better. Either way, I'm excited to see what future has in store for me.
Please remember to no take things for granted. Don't make the mistake I made by assuming everything is going ok because issues are being ignored. Most importantly, never EVER give the control over your life to someone else. You have to be independent and able to adapt. Shit happens and we have to be able to deal with it.
I guess this post was pretty pointless for many of you, but I still appreciate those who made it this far down in the post. To lighten up the mood a little, here's a little preview of an upcoming post:
Thank you for reading. Make good choices.
Enjoy your Saturdays!